Tag Archive: relationships


Raw Thoughts

Completely bugging out. It’s almost like I feel in adequate; not as a person, but as an companion? Yea, a romantic companion. He’s the only person that has every made me work for it. Just about everybody before him was—disposable. I finally figured out what I want from him, but what does it matter if he doesn’t want me. I mean if he’s losing interest. I don’t know what he wants from me and this whole indecisiveness foolishness—I swear I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of it. I actually realized that too many decisions were made for me as a child. That’s kind of how my brother put it. (How could he figure that out five years before me??) Anyway, I don’t want to say I blame my mom, but she had something to do with it. I try to think through all of my decisions clearly, but apparently I’m doing something wrong because that is NOT working. I’m not even sure if “bugging out” is accurate. I can barely focus, it’s determined my mood, and it becomes more frustrating when I realize I don’t have a solution.

I know I need actions, but I don’t know what to do. Throw a freaking parade? I’m sad, a little undeserving, pitiful, and trying not to give up. Every time I say that it gets harder. This is so not a good time in my life for this. Too many thoughts, but then again when would be a great time. I didn’t eat till five. I wonder if this has anything to do with it. I’m not even being productive now; minus the fact I’m getting my “feelings” out. I hate that word. Tired. Frank Ocean has been stuck in my head, which doesn’t really help; Thinking About You.

Simone you are…(strong). I can’t write this without feeling cheesy so nevermind. I need to get it together. At least, I came up with a revelation and a clear answer within the past two days, I think. Stomach’s turning. Urrrrrrrrggg!

So now what? *opens blog. Copy. Paste.*

Advertisements

AA: for relationships

Being in my current relationship has allowed me to improve certain relationship skills and identify other general skills that have proven to be problematic. So if I were to start anew I would begin with this confession:

*stands up*

Hello, My name is Simone.

I am selfish, unfair, and I have a tight grip on my money. The three are apparently puzzle pieces to one another. I also stand firmly on my beliefs even if they don’t make sense to you, but I heard someone say that favor doesn’t make sense to ordinary. Often times I act (despite how I feel) as if I’m being attacked when it comes to criticism I don’t agree with.

If it’s not business related, I tend to be a very indecisive and difficult in general. Because of such qualities or characteristics, when my relationship comes to a fork in the road I’m so torn and confused. I feel like every thought or statement is so unclear and thus painful.

 

After reflecting on these facts I feel like he is stupid for loving me and that I don’t deserve him. Maybe I just need to deal with myself instead of continuing to make him suffer through my foolishness. I don’t want to say that I can’t or won’t change; I just give up too easily sometimes so I don’t want to make promises only to disappoint him later.